Surviving A Loved One's Suicide

P.O Box 1540, Albany Western Australia 6331
Phone: (08) 98 418 418
E-mail: abl-alb@omninet.net.au

Surviving A Loved One's Suicide
Last year, a report In The West Australian newspaper indicated that Suicide is a leading cause of death in people under the age of 44 in Australia, with more people dying each year from Suicide in Western Australia, than in accidents on our roads. On average, 238 people commit Suicide in WA every year! This startling statistic depicts Suicide as a growing epidemic! Grieving the loss of a loved one is painful enough, but Suicide survivors face a more complicated grief because they must also deal with the fact that their loved one chose to die. Friend, if a loved one of yours has chosen to end their life by Suicide, it may be hard to believe life can ever be normal again, but there is hope. Although you are changed forever by such a tragedy, life can once again have hope and meaning. Naturally, when someone you know and love has ended their life, you may feel stunned and troubled by the powerful reactions you experience. Sometimes you might feel very angry - at your feelings or at other people around you. Sometimes you may feel like dying too. It is only natural that some very confusing and emotional times can be expected and you will need support. What becomes of these intense, relentless feelings? They usually diminish as months and years pass, although some residual feelings may remain unresolved. Recognizing how best to accommodate and cope with these feelings can help you advance the healing process. When we experience the Suicide of a relative or close friend, talking and sharing with people who love us lightens our burdens and the pain becomes less intense. In fact, survivors of Suicide need to let others know that talking about Suicide is essential to the healing of powerful emotions that merge and explode in the initial aftermath of losing someone who has chosen to take their own life. Survivors often feel numb, or deny that their loved one committed Suicide. Sometimes they go to great lengths to persuade themselves that the death was accidental or the result of a murder, even in the overwhelming evidence that it was Suicide. On top of this, many survivors experience the emotions of guilt, fear, anger, or a sense of personal failure. These feelings may cause some survivors to become depressed or be overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Sometimes this depression will skew their perspective and distort their thinking and when they reach this point, they need professional help. Perhaps you are struggling with how you can comfort a Suicide survivor. If so, I'd like to provide you with a list of things to do and things not to do to comfort survivors. My DO LIST is simple: Give them all the understanding and love that you can. Give them your time. Be there for them as often as you can. Let them talk about whatever they are feeling or thinking, and give them time to express their grief. Offer ideas but not advice, and let them decide what they want to do and when they want to do it. Pay attention to brothers, sisters, and grandparents during the funeral and for months following the funeral. Listen when they want to tell you about the special talents and qualities of the loved one who committed Suicide. My DON'T LIST is also simple: Don't assume you know best, or know how they feel. Don't make comparisons to your own loss of parent, child, or friend who did not die by Suicide. Don't tell them how they should feel, or try to change their feelings. Let them feel whatever they are feeling, wherever they are feeling it. Feelings are personal and individualized. Don't tell them this was God's will or preach to them. They will draw strength from their own faith, if that is important to them. Don't change the subject if they want to talk about their lost loved one. Don't point out the fact that they have other children, if the loss was a child. Children are not interchangeable. And don't add to their feelings of guilt by pointing out things that could have been done differently. One more thing, if you or someone you know is grieving because of the Suicide of a relative or close friend help is available from the Salvation Army's Hope for Life website: www.suicideprevention.salvos.org.au HEARTBEAT: http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org/index.shtml is a Grief Peer Group which offers Empathy, Encouragement, Direction and Support following the Suicide of a loved one. We encourage you to write to Discovering A BETTER LIFE for a further list of websites you may find helpful. We would also be pleased to mail you a FREE copy of a small booklet titled "Surviving a Loved One's SUICIDE." Our address is: P.O. Box 1540, Albany WA 6331. Please feel free to contact us by Telephone on: 9841 8418, or you may Email us at: abl-alb@omninet.net.au Change your thoughts and you change your world. Norman Vincent Peale

Last year, a report In The West Australian newspaper indicated that Suicide is a leading cause of death in people under the age of 44 in Australia, with more people dying each year from Suicide in Western Australia, than in accidents on our roads. On average, 238 people commit Suicide in WA every year! This startling statistic depicts Suicide as a growing epidemic! Grieving the loss of a loved one is painful enough, but Suicide survivors face a more complicated grief because they must also deal with the fact that their loved one chose to die.

Friend, if a loved one of yours has chosen to end their life by Suicide, it may be hard to believe life can ever be normal again, but there is hope. Although you are changed forever by such a tragedy, life can once again have hope and meaning. Naturally, when someone you know and love has ended their life, you may feel stunned and troubled by the powerful reactions you experience. Sometimes you might feel very angry - at your feelings or at other people around you. Sometimes you may feel like dying too. It is only natural that some very confusing and emotional times can be expected and you will need support.

What becomes of these intense, relentless feelings? They usually diminish as months and years pass, although some residual feelings may remain unresolved. Recognizing how best to accommodate and cope with these feelings can help you advance the healing process. When we experience the Suicide of a relative or close friend, talking and sharing with people who love us lightens our burdens and the pain becomes less intense. In fact, survivors of Suicide need to let others know that talking about Suicide is essential to the healing of powerful emotions that merge and explode in the initial aftermath of losing someone who has chosen to take their own life.

Survivors often feel numb, or deny that their loved one committed Suicide. Sometimes they go to great lengths to persuade themselves that the death was accidental or the result of a murder, even in the overwhelming evidence that it was Suicide. On top of this, many survivors experience the emotions of guilt, fear, anger, or a sense of personal failure. These feelings may cause some survivors to become depressed or be overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Sometimes this depression will skew their perspective and distort their thinking and when they reach this point, they need professional help.

Perhaps you are struggling with how you can comfort a Suicide survivor. If so, I'd like to provide you with a list of things to do and things not to do to comfort survivors. My DO LIST is simple: Give them all the understanding and love that you can. Give them your time. Be there for them as often as you can. Let them talk about whatever they are feeling or thinking, and give them time to express their grief. Offer ideas but not advice, and let them decide what they want to do and when they want to do it. Pay attention to brothers, sisters, and grandparents during the funeral and for months following the funeral. Listen when they want to tell you about the special talents and qualities of the loved one who committed Suicide.

My DON'T LIST is also simple: Don't assume you know best, or know how they feel. Don't make comparisons to your own loss of parent, child, or friend who did not die by Suicide. Don't tell them how they should feel, or try to change their feelings. Let them feel whatever they are feeling, wherever they are feeling it. Feelings are personal and individualized. Don't tell them this was God's will or preach to them. They will draw strength from their own faith, if that is important to them. Don't change the subject if they want to talk about their lost loved one. Don't point out the fact that they have other children, if the loss was a child. Children are not interchangeable. And don't add to their feelings of guilt by pointing out things that could have been done differently.

One more thing, if you or someone you know is grieving because of the Suicide of a relative or close friend help is available from the Salvation Army's Hope for Life website: www.suicideprevention.salvos.org.au HEARTBEAT: http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org/index.shtml is a Grief Peer Group which offers Empathy, Encouragement, Direction and Support following the Suicide of a loved one.

We encourage you to write to Discovering A BETTER LIFE for a further list of websites you may find helpful. We would also be pleased to mail you a FREE copy of a small booklet titled "Surviving a Loved One's SUICIDE." Our address is: P.O. Box 1540, Albany WA 6331. Please feel free to contact us by Telephone on: 9841 8418, or you may Email us at: abl-alb@omninet.net.au

Change your thoughts and
you change your world.
Norman Vincent Peale