What you say tells a lot

P.O Box 1540, Albany Western Australia 6331
Phone/Fax: (08) 98 418 418
E-mail: abl-alb@omninet.net.au

What You Say Tells A Lot
"Well, of course it does!" replies somebody. "What you say communicates facts, data, useful information. It tells people where to find things. It helps them manage situations. It lets people in on things such as . . . " Perhaps the title for my article today should have been longer. Perhaps it should have been something like this: What You Say Says a Lot More About You Than You Mean to Tell. How's that for a long, cumbersome title? (Now you know why I didn't use it!) But that really is the point for all of us to think about for a moment. A friend pointed me to a recent article in a major newspaper about gossip. Now that I think about it, though, even that well-known newspaper has trouble with titles. "Gossip" is too narrow a word for the research it reported. The article was about the sharing of information in work places, schools, and other public arenas. Maybe "informal communication" would have been a better term. Things get communicated informally, for example, about how things get done in an office or which courses are more helpful. And, sure, there are the vicious shots that most of us would call "gossip." One of the most interesting things in the article I have been referring to was this: People with healthy self-esteem consistently share positive stories and helpful information, while those who don't feel accepted pass along negative and belittling stories. Friend, haven't you noticed it in your workplace? Even in your church? Or family? The person whose information diminishes someone else or begins with "I hate to tell you this, but . . ." may have a vendetta. But she may simply feel excluded and powerless. And what better way to be heard (included!) than to bring a shocking report? To rally others who feel powerless? To unify the malcontents? Sometimes the news that has to be shared really is bad. Sales are down. The roof leaks. John failed his matriculation exam. The report of the bad news should serve to galvanize people into a solutions mode. At other times, however, bad news is just a means to the end of being heard. Being at the centre when she has felt pushed to the side. Building a power base when he has felt ignored or overlooked. We need to listen to the unhappy employee, disgruntled member, or sad-faced child. But listen for more information. Listen for the deeper truth that he feels unappreciated and discounted, unwanted and ignored. Sometimes just being heard is all he needs. Scolding or saying "It isn't so!" will probably make it worse. So if you tend to see more negatives than positives, just check your lenses. And before you decide to repeat a story, ask yourself these three questions: 1) Is it true? 2) Is it kind? 3) Is it necessary? If not, please don't repeat it. Perhaps my friend, what I have written in this column today may do nothing more than trigger your thinking about the power of your words. If they do that much my purpose for writing them will be fulfilled. If you would like me to send you a FREE copy of two booklets titled "What You Say Is Powerful" and "TONGUE CONTROL", I'd be pleased to do so. Just write to me at P.O. Box 1540, Albany WA 6331. You can also phone/fax your request on: (08) 9841 8418, or email: abl-alb@omninet.net.au I sincerely hope you have a great day!

What You Say Tells A Lot

"Well, of course it does!" replies somebody. "What you say communicates facts, data, useful information. It tells people where to find things. It helps them manage situations. It lets people in on things such as . . . "

Perhaps the title for my article today should have been longer. Perhaps it should have been something like this: What You Say Says a Lot More About You Than You Mean to Tell. How's that for a long, cumbersome title? (Now you know why I didn't use it!) But that really is the point for all of us to think about for a moment.

A friend pointed me to a recent article in a major newspaper about gossip. Now that I think about it, though, even that well-known newspaper has trouble with titles. "Gossip" is too narrow a word for the research it reported. The article was about the sharing of information in work places, schools, and other public arenas. Maybe "informal communication" would have been a better term.

Things get communicated informally, for example, about how things get done in an office or which courses are more helpful. And, sure, there are the vicious shots that most of us would call "gossip."

One of the most interesting things in the article I have been referring to was this: People with healthy self-esteem consistently share positive stories and helpful information, while those who don't feel accepted pass along negative and belittling stories.

Friend, haven't you noticed it in your workplace? Even in your church? Or family? The person whose information diminishes someone else or begins with "I hate to tell you this, but . . ." may have a vendetta. But she may simply feel excluded and powerless. And what better way to be heard (included!) than to bring a shocking report? To rally others who feel powerless? To unify the malcontents?

Sometimes the news that has to be shared really is bad. Sales are down. The roof leaks. John failed his matriculation exam. The report of the bad news should serve to galvanize people into a solutions mode. At other times, however, bad news is just a means to the end of being heard. Being at the centre when she has felt pushed to the side. Building a power base when he has felt ignored or overlooked.

We need to listen to the unhappy employee, disgruntled member, or sad-faced child. But listen for more information. Listen for the deeper truth that he feels unappreciated and discounted, unwanted and ignored. Sometimes just being heard is all he needs. Scolding or saying "It isn't so!" will probably make it worse.

So if you tend to see more negatives than positives, just check your lenses. And before you decide to repeat a story, ask yourself these three questions: 1) Is it true? 2) Is it kind? 3) Is it necessary? If not, please don't repeat it.

Perhaps my friend, what I have written in this column today may do nothing more than trigger your thinking about the power of your words. If they do that much my purpose for writing them will be fulfilled.

If you would like me to send you a FREE copy of two booklets titled "What You Say Is Powerful" and "TONGUE CONTROL", I'd be pleased to do so. Just write to me at P.O. Box 1540, Albany WA 6331. You can also phone/fax your request on: (08) 9841 8418, or email: abl-alb@omninet.net.au

I sincerely hope you have a great day!